WHAT DO I WANT

Hilma af Klint (Swedish, 1862-1944) Parsifal Grupp I, No. 1 1916 - “Adulthood”

photo taken at the Guggenheim by the Author

“What do you want?” he asked.

In one year, our son will be off to college and out of our apartment. There will be many changes physically, mentally and logistically. We are currently thinking about “what is next”. Big decisions that have left me feeling directionless and uncertain in many parts of my life.

“What do you want?” he said.

Many things came to mind. I want my son to be happy. I want to be close by, and also far enough so he can have his independence. I want a home where everyone can have their own room, the dogs to have grass, my husband to have his own space, my son to have a room for his Legos when he comes home.

The more I thought about it, the more overwhelmed I became. Buried under so many decisions. Decisions that will impact others.

“What do you want?” he asked.

And then it hit me or rather elevated me. I felt like a ton of bricks were untied from me, because for the first time in maybe my entire life I allowed myself to consider the “I” in “What do I want”?

Not what do I want that will make everyone happy.

Not what do I want that will make everyone comfortable.

Not what do I want that will also generate income to support the family.

Not what can I choose that will fit into everyone else’s life plans for themselves.

It was a fucking revelation.

As a wife, a mom, a daughter, a business owner, even as a friend, every single choice I have made has considered the impact on others and never what I want.

I can count maybe 3 or 4 times that I made a “selfish” big decision. Not the little ones, like getting a pedicure; even that is made on the schedule of when dinner needs to be made or a zoom call needs to be had. But a big decision that I made for me and me alone without considering anyone or anything else. Quitting my job and starting Good Home 30 years ago was one.

This isn’t a poor-me essay, I love my family and I love my friends. I think compromise and consideration of your loved ones is what a family should do. But now at 54, there is an opportunity to ask myself what I want and that feels exciting. It feels big. It feels scary and it also feels liberating.

Liberating as I never allowed myself to do this. Ever really. Unless it was so deeply felt by my body, my brain couldn’t override it.

Like when I had breast cancer and the universe drops an opportunity in your lap to make decisions solely for your health, desires, wants.  Decisions no one will argue with you about because well – you have cancer.

Why is that? Is it a female thing? A mom thing? A co-dependent thing? A good thing?

My friend Courtney told me of a time she asked participants in her yoga class to meditate on what they want. Many became upset. It can feel selfish, maybe trivial when material items come to mind, and also the thought it is too much responsibility.

Taking ownership of what we want also means ownership of the choice. Staying safe is easier. Blaming others for why we didn’t, or couldn’t, is much less scary.

I decided to ask a few people I know when the last time was that they made a choice purely for themselves and themselves alone.

My son said 3 months ago – his girlfriend? A decade ago, in elementary school.

My husband? 6 years ago.

Friend 1(married with kids) it’s been a long time.

Friend 2 (with a partner and caring for a parent) in college.

Friend 3 (no kids and no partner) not often – although admittedly this is by his own hand and not the demands of his family or loved ones. It is more a self-imposed restriction.

Stranger on the Beach (single mom of 2 grown kids, 65 years old) Never.

When my mom died a freedom came with her passing. As awful as it sounds it was one less person, I had to make amends for in my own life.

Ouch, right?

I can share this as my love for my mom runs deep. I know I made her proud. And I know she also did very little to impose that on me. It was all in my head and my own personal development.

And I would drop anything on my schedule to see her right this very minute.

Reflecting on these feelings allows me to see how often I am in my own way from allowing myself the freedom of choice.

To a certain extent.

This essay won’t end with a solution, as much as I would love one and perhaps you would too.

Let’s start with the audacious question of asking ourselves “what do I want?”.

We don’t have to add the pressure of putting it to action, but perhaps by simply entertaining the thought of what we truly desire will be all the universe needs to manifest it.

“Don’t be afraid” she whispered.

Xo Christine